Sunday afternoon

While eating ice cream made by sister….

N: I don’t want to go to college

M: that’s ok. What do you want to do?

N: I want to stay home…. I don’t want to grow up.

M: But daddy and mommy will get old.

N: I don’t want to have kids too. I want to be a kid.

開車

家裡從去年開始只有一台車, 平常都是牛牛在開. 牛牛前幾天出差, 我要開車送弟弟. 上了車, 繫了安全帶, 準備發動, 東看西看. 弟弟問, “what are you looking for?" 我說, “where is the break? I am looking for the break." 弟弟說, “it’s under your foot!" 突然想起是在左腳邊.

覺得自己很好笑, 需要一個四歲的小孩教我開車. XD

之後慢慢倒車, 要關車庫, 車庫怎麼都關不上. 要跑下車拿家裡的備用車庫搖控. 弟弟喃喃說, “maybe driving is not a good idea." ^^;

sleeping arrangement

One of the constant changes in our household is the sleeping arrangement.

In the recent months, S has been sleeping with me while N would switch between my room (sleep with me and S, me being in middle) or his room (sleep with Daddy.) As they grow up, on the nights when the two kids sleeping with me on the king size bed, it seems to be more and more crowded. Last night, after one very rough night (for me), which they took turns putting their legs on me or rolled toward me, I gently asked S, “would you consider to sleep in your room during the weekdays and sleep in my room during weekends? (the sleeping arrangement couple months ago.)" She agreed without hesitation.

Sunday night S slept in her room and I told her she is welcome to come over if she got scared. N slept in his room with Daddy. Me having the king size bed to myself.

It was empty. I was lonely. I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking if I should go find S.

I told her the next day. She told me that she woke up in the middle of the night and was thinking if she should come to my room. “but I didn’t," she said, “I meditated and I fell a sleep again."

attagirl. 🙂

—-

This morning, N asked, “why didn’t you sleep with me last night?" “sorry, I fell asleep with Daddy. But I am glad that you came and got me." I said.

“Ya," he said, “I woke up in the middle of the night and I didn’t see you." “I was about to cry but I didn’t. I walked through the hallway. I was not sure which room you are in, (S’s and N’s rooms are side by side) so I went to my room first."

“and you made the right choice. You found me." We smiled at each other.

Ah, the sleeping arrangement. I will miss this time when they become teenagers. 🙂

改脾氣

昨晚我站在房間看書, 小幫浦湊過來, 不小心踢到我的腳, 當下很痛又嚇了一跳的我, 很大聲地叫了一聲 .  她很緊張地一直說, “sorry sorry." 一時沒回過神來, 想生氣, 直覺告訴自己不要發脾氣她只是不小心. 但依然賭氣地轉過身繼續看書, 丟下一句 “很痛耶"給她, 她就默默地跑走了.

事後覺得心虛也很心疼小孩, 覺得自己真是大驚小怪. 我是那種很容易被嚇到的人, 所以每次被小孩撞到的時候, 我的反射動作就是叫得很大聲 (我在小孩跌倒的時候也是叫得很大聲, 有時候小孩跌倒哭了不是因為痛得哭, 而是因為被我的大嗓門嚇到哭….我真的不是故意的….)

改脾氣一直是我的目標. 我自覺這幾年, 尤其這陣子簡化生活和開始meditate後脾氣有變好, 比較mindful. 癥結就是這種突發狀況, 一時反應不過來, 舊的壞脾氣又跑出來, 讓小孩受委屈了. 想想她受委屈時就是默默離開, 我去抱抱親親她就原諒我了. 等到青少年以後不管用後可怎麼辦?

親子的關係都是累積而來的, 現在已經看得出來, 小幫浦明顯地多和牛牛撒嬌因為她知道牛牛寵她, 而我不吃這套. 我固然有自己對小孩的要求, 但仍希望能和她保持一定的親密, 更不想要等到青少年她不想理我時才想亡羊補牢地修補關係. 要多練習, 和顏悅色.

2017 Easter 復活節

去年撿蛋的照片

今年撿蛋的照片. 第一次讓他們分開找蛋, 小幫浦在家找 (比較難), 弟弟在院子找 (比較簡單)

受同事的啟發, 今年第一次準備白煮蛋全家來彩繪蛋. 本來同事分享了這個超簡單的染蛋法, 只要刮鬍膏(shaving cream, not shaving gel) 和食用色素, 但是沒機會去超市買刮鬍膏. 沒關係, 網路復活節彩蛋千變萬化, 找到一個用水彩(water color paint) 塗蛋, 再用水彩筆 (water color pencil) 畫細節, 正好我們家就有的原料.

結果只有牛牛一個人在用water pencil精雕細琢他的彩蛋, 姊弟兩個人用水彩塗(brush)他們的蛋塗得不亦樂乎, 專注於創造rainbow egg. 小幫浦還想到用試管滴水彩創造出不同的漸層.

小朋友們不想破壞他們的原創顏色, 結果我最忙的就是一直找能讓他們放蛋的holder.

沒有pinterest 和instagram的漂亮, 小孩卻玩得很開心. 晚上睡前我問他們, “what’s the highlight of your weekend?" 小幫浦說, “paint eggs." 這樣就值得了. 🙂

—

下午姑姑來陪小幫浦做cake pops, 因為老師這周末過生日. 我從來沒注意小幫浦在學校的情況, 但今年和去年我注意到最大的不同, 是小幫浦主動地會和我們提到老師, 然後過節時特別想送老師禮物. 很開心她這麼喜歡這年的老師

Notes 3/27/17

ashley graham is my new idol. Nothing is sexier than a woman fully embrace herself and have a great sense of humor.

Reading and watching No Impact Man

Kids love to dance to Moana (although they refuse to watch the movie) and Sing soundtracks. 

Self love

I learned this term from a YouTuber this week and it hit me- I used to “treat" myself with a new clothes or with a new handbag. I thought I was taking care of myself, but in fact, I was never paying attention to what I need, what my body and mind need. Every time I coveted something, I had a new goal. I reached a goal by acquiring a new item. And then I began my search for the next one. 追求是無止盡的, 因為我總是會找到更新更好的東西, 而且漸漸的，買到想要的東西得到的喜悅也越來越不強烈.

但這一年因為減少社群網站和減少購物, 多了時間給自己和家人, 我發現, 與其說是感覺更快樂，不如說感覺更平靜. 當然生活上還是會有煩惱的事情, 但我學會觀察情緒, 提醒自己"respond, don’t react." 即使當下心浮氣躁，也學著讓自己退後一步，沉澱再出發。這是我過去一直在追求的, 卻是在開始declutter, 接觸minimalism和meditation後才發現自己終於在往那方向前進.

上個月開始試著早上做十分鐘的Headspace meditation, 和十分鐘的瑜珈, 這周再加上晚餐新後十五分鐘的在家走路, 我視為這總加起來不到50分鐘的時間為每天的"self-love." 偶爾給自己買個喜歡的東西是件好事, 但是珍惜自己是每天的事情. 難免我在做瑜珈時有個小男孩想要過山洞, 或是冥想時另一個小孩的鬧鐘響, 我抱著"了勝於無"的心情, 即使是半調子, 還是一定要做。萬事起步難, 一旦開始, 有一天就會達到, 無論有多遠.